The Back Story.
I’ve had a few low moments in my life, but nothing like 4 years ago. I had all the signs before me, but like most of us, we believe that things would change. Not that I could change him, but that things would evolve if I was patient. Throughout the entire year of planning my wedding, I was extremely calm, and I pretended to be excited, but internally I felt so blah.
I didn’t experience the excitement of having your mother by your side during the wedding planning process. My daughter accompanied me to shop for my wedding dress, and it was his mom and my wedding planner that was there for me. Truth be told a week before my wedding I called it off. Something was tugging at me, and things just weren’t quite right. Ohhh but the pressure was all the way real and the burden was heavy.
His parents had spent thousands, my daddy had spent thousands and we had spent thousands. Uggghh! I thought, “Maya you can’t call your wedding off girl it’s too late.” I couldn’t even articulate the emotions I was feeling, and I was beyond embarrassed. Then the day before my wedding, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t recall what he said to me outside of Six Mouth Zion Baptist Church, but I lost it. I mean straight ape *ish!
I was crying, yelling and punching him in the chest. Thank God for my friend that pulled up at the church at the right time, she jumped out of the car so fast to console me. I expressed to her that I could not do it, and I did not want to marry him. I just wasn’t feeling it. BUT again, it was too late, and my friend did what I believe any friend would do in that situation and she encouraged me to press forward.
Fast-forwarding to my wedding day, which is my maternal mother’s birthday…I was emotional because I was missing my mother, I needed my mother. My daughter was with me, but I still felt alone, I still felt empty. On the surface, every guest probably thought it was the most beautiful wedding ever, however, I felt like I was standing still with people all around me and I was completely numb.
I hated to watch our wedding videography because it reminded me of the loneliness I felt and it reminded me of how distant we were even on our wedding day. It was doomed from jump. How could you spend 8 years of your life with someone and not even know them? Uneven transparency, uneven goals…just unevenly yoked?
I’m sharing these intimate details because I know there are so many women out there that have ring fever. Your parents and ‘nem probably ask you every day “when are you gonna get married?” You see the couples on Instagram and the hashtags of #RELATIONSHIPGOALS. It’s heavy, I get it! But Sis don’t compare your life to what you see on social media.
Not to say that there aren’t any happy couples because there certainly are and I admire the couples that fight for their marriage, I admire the couples that keep God at the center of their marriage. I admire the couples that represent Black Love. I admire the couples that have been through the trenches but rise above every single demonic attack against their covenant.
I can honestly say and admit that I said “Yes” because I had spent so much of my life with this man, why not get married. Surely, we can make it work, surely, he’s the one. That wasn’t the case. Saying “Yes” and “I Do” doesn’t erase the obvious signs, it heightens them. By no means am I saying that I was a perfect wife. Oh No, ma’am, I made SOOO many mistakes.
The marriage became extremely toxic. We had so many issues and it was bad, I became an angry wife, and I ultimately realized how much I disliked my husband. Although I fought for my marriage, fought hard okay…counseling without work is dead, and if God isn’t in it, then it’s not going to work.
Ladies, I realize that society and even our own families put an extreme amount of pressure on us to get married. If you’re in a committed relationship, I caution you to pay attention to EVERYTHING. Don’t ever settle b/c you want a ring and a big wedding or simply because you fear being alone. No relationship is perfect, but I do believe that two people can be imperfectly perfect for each other. Pray for discernment and always know that God would never want you to settle.
This was the lowest that I’ve ever felt, I married an alcoholic who chose the bottle over my daughter & I and he left us and never looked back. Reconciliation wasn’t a part of the plan, and I realize now that this was God’s plan and a part of my story… Follow me on my journey as I share how Maya Smiles unfolds.
